From the moment that our first child enters the world, life as we know it is never the same. And as much as we love and adore our kids, they can also be totally and completely overwhelming! From the extreme highs to the very frustrating lows, parenting is a rollercoaster of experiences and emotions that comes with a steep learning curve.
That’s why we were so excited to speak with clinical psychologist, Dr. Alison Locker of Little House Calls. One of the things she loves most about her work is the support she provides to families as a parent coach. Listen to learn some of her favorite strategies for better navigating the ups and downs of raising young children and checkout the key takeaways below!
Key takeaways
Our approach to parenting is influenced by our past experiences and the models we had as children. Psychologists refer to this pattern as the “ghosts in the nursery.” It is good to be mindful of this as we tackle the challenges of parenting!
In order to create meaningful changes in behavior, it is important to understand and address the issue at the root of the issue. If we can work to identify patterns or situations where our child tends to meltdown, we can also help to avoid them or provide more proactive support. This is generally more effective than simply trying to manage the behavior (aka meltdown) itself.
The more that we as parents are able to regulate our emotions and responses, the better we can support our child emotionally. And a huge part of this boils down to communication. If parents are able to be more intentional about how we communicate, we are more likely to see a positive response from our child.
This might include something as simple as a hand on the shoulder to signal the need to listen or eye contact while communicating directions.
Using more limited language can help as well. Keeping directions to one or two steps can help a child follow instructions more successfully.
Children need love and limits! Warmly communicating affection while also establishing clear limits makes for happy kids. And while consequences are important, they won’t shift behavior. Instead, it’s better to guide kids towards doing the right thing by building clear relationships between the target behavior and the positive outcome. For example, “When you clean your room, then you can go play with your friends.”
It’s important to always hold out a carrot to help your child move forward. In this way, parents are more likely to avoid battles and defiant stubbornness. Sometimes that might mean cleaning up ten toys for every one or two your child picks up, but at least you get him cleaning!
Repair is also key because none of us are perfect. As parents, we inevitably lose our cool sometimes (and especially as parents in a pandemic!). That’s ok! But, it is important to circle back and apologize afterwards. By communicating about our emotions and the way in which our feelings or experiences impact our behavior, we are creating a great model for children to follow.
Helping kids make links between their feelings and behaviors is a great way to help children become more aware. This isn’t excusing the behavior; rather, it’s helping children better understand how their emotions impact their behavior. An example could be, “I understand you had a bad day at school and that made you feel frustrated. But it is never ok to hit your brother, even when you feel that way.”
It’s important to remember that it takes time for young children to develop self-control. This ability is strongly connected to executive function skills which are driven by a part of our brain that continues to develop until we are in our early 20s! For this reason, kids continue to need a lot of scaffolding and support to regulate their emotions and control their behavior well into childhood. Keeping these developmental norms in mind can help limit some of the frustration it is so easy to feel as parents.
Child development is bumpy, but parenting should feel joyful! If you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, an expert like Alison is only a phone call or email away. With support, you can add more tools to your parenting toolbox, and find more joy in parenting.
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