Just like students’ academic skills progress as they get older, so does their social-emotional development. While each child is unique in exactly when and in what order they master SEL skills, these are some of the typical milestones you can expect to see when students start elementary school, as they finish elementary school, and as they progress through middle and high school.
Lower Elementary
One of the most significant early SEL skills your child is capable of developing is empathy. As your child enters kindergarten, she begins to develop meaningful friendships. These friendships are no longer based on convenience, but on who she connects with. She now has autonomy over those friendships, and begins to display preferences for some friends over others.
At this time, your child will also begin to develop more mature skills in emotional and behavior management. While frustrated toddlers only know to cry when upset, early elementary students are more able to communicate and regulate feelings. They may still cry to express negative emotions, but outbursts are only likely to occur in more extreme scenarios.
Sometime between kindergarten and second grade, most students begin to develop a sense of right and wrong. They begin to understand why certain rules exist, and why certain actions are considered “against” the rules. They can also now form and express opinions beyond surface-level favorites, likes, dislikes, etc.
Upper Elementary
As students go through the upper elementary grades, social dynamics change quite drastically. Students begin to form social groups (aka “cliques”) and there is rarely overlap between members. Students begin to rank their friendships, and will often develop one “best” friend with whom they consider themselves closest.
Although students have been working collaboratively for a few years now, upper elementary grades are when they begin to develop the ability to work productively with less adult intervention. When a minor conflict does arise within a cooperative group, students at this age can often settle it themselves. Larger conflicts will still need mediation.
This is also when students begin developing passions that are related to various issues, both important and unimportant. Students in this age group might be equally passionate about animal welfare as they are about how their hair looks.
Finally, you can look forward to your 8 or 9-year-old beginning to test the larger limits of societal rules, expectations, and norms. Students will usually only test limits in small ways, perhaps by bringing something to school they know they shouldn’t, such as an iPad or a distracting toy.
Middle School
Around middle school, students’ behaviors mature, and they are able to exhibit different behaviors depending on where they are. For example, they should know what behaviors are appropriate when attending a play or sitting in class, and those that are appropriate when hanging out with friends at home. They begin to take more responsibility for their actions, and can start to understand the complex effects those actions have.
At this age, peer pressure begins to emerge, and children may have difficulty resisting it. They also begin to crave experiences outside of their comfort zone, which can lead to potentially risky behaviors. At best, this is something relatively innocuous like pulling an all-nighter at a sleepover, but it could also be more alarming, like engaging with questionable people online. It’s important to make sure your child is aware of the risks (in an age-appropriate way, of course) and knows how to use social media safely and responsibly.
This age also comes with the infamous hormone changes that can wreak havoc on moods. Because of all the changes taking place, children this age become hyper-aware of their bodies. They also begin to develop a sexual identity, preferences, and curiosity.
High School and Beyond
Once students have entered high school, their social-emotional skills are mostly developed. At this point, they are likely to have a total sense of independence with most of their daily routines. As they complete schoolwork, academic passions emerge and they are often able to identify general subject areas they feel excited about, and those they aren’t interested in.
Sometime in high school, students usually find themselves settled within a larger social group. These groups are often dictated by extracurriculars or interests. Friendships sometimes last from childhood into adolescence, but they often don’t. This age group is now able to navigate complex social situations and relationships. Students are better able to recognize and resist peer pressure. The relationships they’ve built with peers begin to take precedence over family. You may notice your high schooler going to friends more and more with problems instead of coming to you. While this can be hard, it is a totally normal part of their development. Don’t worry, their distance from you is temporary.
Conclusion
Keep in mind, these are skills students are capable of developing at the ages indicated above. This doesn’t mean that all children necessarily develop these skills at the same time, and of course, some skills come more easily than others! If your child has a diagnosed disability like ADHD, then some of the emotional regulation and self-management skills will require more time and some intervention. But with your unwavering support and empathy for all of the drastic changes that students are constantly going through, you’ll help them get there eventually.
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