What’s Your Discipline Style?

First, let’s clarify some things: the term “discipline” does not automatically imply punitive measures! Discipline merely refers to the way in which we teach children to acknowledge and follow rules. These include everything from rules around cleaning their room, to the rules they follow at school, and eventually the laws that dictate how we conduct ourselves while out in the world. No matter what your parenting style is, these are goals everyone has for their children.

Secondly, none of these methods is “superior” to the others. We all have our own opinions, and there is lots of promising research that shows ALL of these discipline approaches in the best light! Many parents find that a combination of different approaches works best for them and their child. It’s all a matter of preference. Read on to find out which style is best suited to you and your family.

Positive

With a positive discipline style, children receive praise, encouragement and opportunities to problem-solve. This type of discipline does not punish or reprimand, but instead finds opportunities for learning. Consequences always contain lessons. Children are part of the problem-solving process, and if they are excited about the solution, that’s even better! Parents often feel worried if their child who has misbehaved enjoys the consequence. But this isn’t always a bad thing! For example, let’s say your child smashes an expensive item while playing carelessly. If in learning how to operate the vacuum, he is enjoying himself, this just means he’ll also learn to not mind cleaning up! It won’t encourage him to continue being careless.

Boundary-Based

All kids test boundaries. It’s a natural part of their development. Boundary-based discipline has to do with clearly communicating (not by telling, but by showing) where the boundaries lie. This approach requires consistency and logical, or natural, consequences. This means that whenever possible, the consequence the child receives should be as directly related to the incident as possible. If a child makes a mess, she or he should be the one to clean it up. Don’t clean it up yourself while your child sits in a time-out!

Providing choice is also a big part of this discipline style. When children are given choices, not only do they quickly learn what the boundaries are in any given situation, but they have some power. They get to be in control (or so they think), and this increases their engagement.

Gentle

The gentle disciplinarian prevents and diffuses tense situations. They respond to behaviors (but not emotions) with levity and humor. They use redirection to try to avoid their children getting into situations that will lead to an unwanted response or behavior. This discipline style also uses choices to give children that same sense of control and to circumvent a potential outburst.

Behavior Modification

This style of discipline is all about positive and negative reinforcement. When children are positively reinforced, good behaviors increase. When they are negatively reinforced, bad behaviors decrease. Children who receive behavior-modifying discipline learn that there are consequences, both good and bad, to their actions, and they begin to associate their actions with those consequences accordingly.

Emotional Coaching

Emotional coaching involves teaching children how to link their behavior to a feeling. This all starts with teaching children to recognize and communicate their feelings, which is an important skill for all children to develop. Through this awareness, students begin to connect their feelings with how they are behaving and what choices they are making (Timmy is able to recognize that he isn’t following mom’s directions because he isn’t ready to be finished playing). This style is all about giving children awareness and language to express themselves, and eventually, find more productive outlets for their emotions that don’t interfere with what is expected of them.

What Discipline Should NOT Be

Discipline should never involve intentionally shaming, guilting, or degrading children. These tactics have been proven not to work. While there are still some cultures in the world that view certain types of corporal punishment (such as spanking) as acceptable, and even necessary, in keeping kids in line, there is overwhelming research that shows that all types of physical punishment of children are ineffective, and usually harmful, both physically and psychologically. So while you should feel free to choose the discipline style(s) that works best, remember that none of them should involve any sort of physical discipline.