Teaching Emotional Regulation

Most children struggle with emotional regulation at some point. Even just recognizing their emotional response to situations can be tough for some kids, let alone trying to control how they express their feelings! However, it is a really important skill for them to learn. The good news is there are strategies that will work for any child, no matter how strongly she feels those feelings. Some may take longer to master emotional regulation than others, but with practice and support, all kids can eventually learn to better manage their emotions.

What Does Emotional Regulation Look Like?

Regulating emotions does not mean stifling feelings! In fact, the first step in emotional regulation is teaching kids to acknowledge how they feel, without any shame, guilt, or judgment. Then, once they can talk about their feelings, they will be able to learn how to better respond to those emotions. Someone who has mastered emotional regulation will not feel any less strongly than someone who hasn’t. Instead, they’re just able to better manage their responses.

How Do Kids Develop Emotional Regulation?

Most children learn emotional regulation through a combination of observation and trial and error. By watching the adults in their life, they learn how to react, for better or for worse. When they see their parents or caregivers react aggressively, kids are more likely to exhibit those same behaviors; if those adults are more inclined to respond to frustration in a more measured way, the child will follow that lead.

Children also learn to regulate their emotions through experience. They see how others react to their behavior, and learn from positive and negative responses. For example, when toddlers are mad because someone takes their toy, they may react by hitting. This in turn is likely to make the other child cry. In this situation, both toddlers are likely to learn something. The toddler who hit can see that he made the other child cry. Similarly, the child who took the toy can see that his action made his friend upset enough to hit him. Through these experiences, they will both learn to be more kind.

Why Do Some Kids Struggle With Emotional Regulation?

There are a few reasons why a child might struggle to develop self-regulation skills. These issues are common in kids who have problems with executive function skills, including those with ADHD. Students with sensory processing issues also often struggle with self-regulation since they usually experience oversensitivity to certain sights, sounds, and textures. These heightened sensations can trigger more extreme and frequent emotional responses. Finally, some students are simply born with a limited ability to self-regulate. For example, some babies never develop the ability to soothe themselves. Those who seek outside comfort in infancy are likely to still do so as they grow into childhood. That doesn’t mean they can’t learn how to regulate. It just means it might take some extra time, practice, and more structured support.

Strategies For Teaching Kids How to Regulate Emotions

• Develop self-awareness. We all need to be mindful of what triggers feelings of stress. That way we can either avoid or proactively prepare for situations that are likely to be difficult. Kids are no exception. It’s never too early to have conversations with children about what made them feel a certain way and why. Help them identify patterns and make observations about what seems to set them off.

• Read books about self-regulation. Book characters can be powerful role models for young children. Plus stories are often the most effective way to talk to kids about skills and concepts that are bit more complex.

• Teach mindfulness and other coping strategies. Simple tools like deep breaths and counting might sound cliche to some, but they can be hugely helpful for kids who have trouble regulating their emotions. Kids can also develop a mantra or focus question in stressful situations, like “I am okay,” or “What reaction will make this situation better?” in order to help ground their response.

• Help kids learn to reflect. When kids do have a meltdown, the best thing you can do is stay calm for them. Once the moment has passed, have a conversation in which they do the brunt of the reflection. Don’t tell them what they did wrong and why it wasn’t the right choice (if that conversation does need to happen, it should be a separate one entirely!) Instead, help them to identify what and how to improve, and let them create a plan for how to respond better next time. Kids will appreciate the voice and the autonomy, and it’s always helpful to help them learn from experience!